Saturday, September 23, 2006

I've changed so much, and got so much out of it

High school seems as far away as kindergarten.
That night we met seems so much more special now. Despite how regular it was.
Its hard to imagine not counting my cousin as my best friend.
Even though we're moving apart from each other, its not the same as how I've moved apart from my friends from high school. I know it'll snap back.
& every train ride home reminds me of you.
I love the fall and the cold.
Sweaters are a girl's best friend.
Living in the mountains is odd.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Wish upon a star

College is, above all, interesting. I spend most of my time fascinated by the differences among people. Bizarre as that may seem, considering I went to such a diverse school. To me, it is the other white people I find weird and foreign. I realized: I don't know that many white Americans intimately. Sometimes, I find it weird to even talk to them. I don't mind them but its just another odd experience.
Studying abroad is looking promising. I think I may have gotten a job on campus. I'm really counting on it. If I don't get work there, I'm going to try for the town where my university is located.
I keep having very vivid dreams. I had one that I ate cucumbers last night and when I woke up this morning I thought I had cucumbers...then I realized I had not.
I think its from drinking. When I drink, I have the best dreams.
I feel me and the boy naturally growing apart. The more I'm in school partying and studying and hanging out in dorm rooms, the less I talk to him. It hurts immensely, but it was inevitable. However, it is highly frustrating having some horrible feeling I guess is guilt holding me back from hooking up with guys at parties. In high school, I was "one of the guys" and had a tendency to hook up with as many guys because...I guess I'm a "sexual" girl. Thursday night, this very cute guy wanted to hook up with me and I pushed my friend on him instead. I had spent a good hour with this guy and his friends drinking and playing beer pong. Later we danced and whenever our lips got close I moved my head away. I kept thinking about that boy so far away. He came back to me after hooking up with my friend and wanted to dance more, he tried again. I felt bad because in other circumstances I would have done it.
I am also really not used to being a "tease". I usually lead guys on and deliver because I want it too, if not more. However, I was leading this guy on unknowingly. I just like hanging out with guys...they like hooking up. I used to. Actually, I used to love hooking up.
Maybe this guilt will fade and I'll be able to have a few meaningless, physical relationships while I'm at college.
Not that I have to have physicality. Ok, I lie. I have to have physicality. Call me dirty names that a guy would not be called, but I love it. Not the other night though. Also, I actually turned away from another guy Tuesday night.
Odd.
I've had one boyfriend. I cheated on him four times. I'm not particularly proud of it, but I did do it. I had this belief that I was young and a strong, independant woman. I thought: Why should I let some guy stop me from living my life? Why not act as many teenage guys do and hook up with loads of people? Nothing stops them.
I wanted it...so I did it. Which is a very teenage notion. You want to act rebellious, you do it. Boys have always been my rebellion. I am a sensible drinker which is acceptable to my parents, I stuck to curfew, I got decent grades...in high school I liked to make out with guys.
In less then a month, I changed to this completely different person. How do people have this influence on us? Especially when we try, at every turn, to fight that influence? Can one be reluctantly in love? I had no desire to hook up with any guy from Ireland. Especially any of the guys I've known for years. It gets to messy and complicated. But I couldn't help. I suppose, we couldn't help it.
I hope he knows that I wish on every star for him.
[Oh and by the way, by "hooking up" I mean making out. Please don't think I like to have sex with dozens of people.]

Friday, September 15, 2006

in ammanna, you scanrú me óir I aire so mórán...óir I turned imithe from that buachaill last night...óir girl I was before would have went for it.

mostly you scanrú me because I'm still thinking about tú d’ainneoin gach rud...

Saturday, September 09, 2006

The Plain White T's

I don't know if anyone even reads this, but I'll ask anyway: Has anyone ever listened to an album or a bunch of a band's songs & related to it fully?
I mean, one song...sure. Of course you're going to find a single song to relate to. But every song by the Plain White T's could've been written by me. I know that sounds strange, but whereever their lead singer has been in his life...I've been there too.
Moving on, college is ok. Well...honestly its great. I've made some good friends two of whom I love to death already.
But I miss Ireland so badly I can't even think straight.
The end.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Money makes the world go 'round.

Abroad is a very strange word.

Can I just make an observation on myself? I wrote "Finally, a way out"....finally? I haven't even been back in NJ for a month and already I'm that desperate. That is both pathetic and very telling about how I feel.
After a conversation with my mother about Ireland, I now have what I already thought confirmed. She was a little tipsy and she was reminiscing about "the good old days" she had at nursing school in Dublin when she was my age. Its one of the few times she speaks fondly of Ireland, so I took advantage to bring up what would happen if I wanted to go back. Basically, I have to pay for it.
Oh well. Sounds fine to me.
Really, I want to pay for all of my schooling. I have applied for loans and I'll pay them back until I'm 50 if I have to. If I get to be in Ireland, I'll do it.
Back to my desparation. I have never felt this strongly about anything before. I've never cried over something this much before. Acting had been my source of emotional rollercoaster riding. Not getting parts, getting parts I didn't feel prepared for, failing at doing something correctly, staying up all night to get it right. That was what I've worked hard on. The only thing.
Ten years of Irish dancing led to me never practicing, never being competitive despite how many times I was told I could be a champion, and loads of trophys I don't give a shit about.
School was filled with my half-assing every assignment in every class besides theatre. I wrote five paragraph essays in fifteen minutes, copied maths homework from someone else and cheated on tests. I crammed, guessed and lied my way to a steady B average.
But I will study hard, never be late to class, work two jobs to save up and get into this study abroad program. I know I will, because I want it so badly. I am looking forward to it so much. I am so passionate about it. I'm never been this way about anything before.
Its fucking scary.
By the way, it is so fucking weird to hear my mom talk about Ireland. It could be me talking about NJ. How she doesn't neccessarily hate Ireland, she just can't bear to live there again. How she doesn't deny having had a good time there, it just doesn't feel like home to her.
I am so ready to fight for this. I can't wait to fight for this. For them. For home.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Dancing

Is it wrong that I want to make love to a college Study Abroad program? The company my school works with for study abroad already rang me to talk about my interest in studying abroad.

I signed up last night on the internet and this afternoon they rang me. Talk about promising. I was so excited I got up from my seat and did a little dance as the man asked me if I had considered where I might want to go yet.

"NUI Galway" shake shake.

It is also very scary how content and pleased I am knowing I have a pretty good chance of being in Galway this time next year. I have been Little Miss Apathy about life for quite some time. At my high school graduation I was bored out of my mind. Junior prom? My date was a jerk and I wore the first dress I saw at the store and did my own hair. At the pictures, I stuck my tongue out a lot...there was nothing else to do. High school parties? Another opputunity to avoid getting my ass grabbed.

But going to Ireland every summer? Jumping out of my seat with excitement. I went with my parents last May, because they had business to attend to, and I was in school the day I had to leave. I was so excited I couldn't even breathe. And I don't believe I have ever been so pleasant before. It always makes me genuinely happy and I always genuinely ache for it. I think I'll write another separate entry about this...probably tonight, because I've been thinking about it so much.

I really hope this whole study abroad thing works out, really.

Ps-Damn, it is COLD for it only be September 1st.

Finally, a way out

Of all the things that happened yesterday at my college orientation, only one thing made me very excited.

It happened when I came home and went on the computer. After writing on this thing, which almost always leads to me crying frustrated tears, I checked my college email. There was facebook friend's requests and college "Fall Frenzy" emails telling me that I should "COME OUT FOR CHEERLEADING" and to "COME SEE THE GREEK FAMILIES!" clearly, I won't be doing either.

And then I got the greatest email I have ever gotten. Seriously. I only say its the greatest one because it evoked so many happy feelings. Its was from our school's global education office. I was aware that our school offered a study abroad program to places all across Europe, including Cork. However, Cork did not offer any liberal arts programs and you can't just sign up to go undeclared.

However, for the first semester ever they are offering study abroad at NUI Galway.

Needless to say, I cried tears of happiness, jumped up and down, did a little dance and then kissed the computer screen.

This is my way out.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The more I think, the less I believe it & the more I want you here with me

So there I was, at FRESHMAN ORIENTATION with red emblems everywhere, peppy peer leaders leading us to rooms where we learned about how great college is.

"College isn't different from high school, it is COMPLETELY different"
"College is what you make it!"
"Be positive and work hard, you'll be fine!"

We watched skits by the peppy peer leaders who tried too hard to be street and use silly slang that I've never heard outside of a rap song. They overacted (ok, so maybe I'm a theatre snob...it is my minor) and the situations were candy floss versions of friendships and life. Easy ways out for things like partying roommates and dates that went too far. The head of counseling came out and said "If you have problems with eating, suicidal thoughts, addictions or know someone who could be in trouble just contact the counselors!"

No one told me what to do if I already felt awkward and out of place. I'm used to it by now, but I always feel weird in group situations like this mostly because I never know how to talk to American kids when I first meet them. All of my American friends have said their first impressions of me were things like "Well, to be honest...I thought you were foreign. At least Canadian" and "In middle school, I thought you were home schooled because you were so different from everyone else"

Which is true. I guess I am different. & I talk funny. Actually, I just don't have a Jersey accent. Let me tell you...that means you talk funny where I'm from and apparently at school too.

In conclusion, I always feel a teensy bit weird. But I made some friends, got my ID (I look high in my photo) and registered for classes. Macro Economics, Sociology, Maths, English and Acting.

The end of my first college experience.